I've Been Through Hell

Well then….

Wow…i loove it when…people say they would do anything to help you…and your try to open up to them…then they turn everything around onto them…guess ill give up on sharing….a few more cuts wont kill me…yet…

Just B/c I act like im happy….doesn’t mean i am. At times im having a mental break down……sometime im crying….sometimes i just wanna dig my razor…..DEEP into my arm and feel the blood flow…watch my life slip away…to solve everyones problems…I feel so..un wanted and uneeded on this world. No one wants me. No one needs me. I have to hide my arm. I have to hide in general. All to feel safe. But when I become to comfortable with this safeness….My bad side takes it over turning happy into depressing. Video games and soda to….Cutting and Crying….My life has changed dramatikly within the last months ive been alive….Mostly b/c of one girl. Elissa Lynee Arsenault. And yes…i said her name even though i Norm down day names in these. But i did this time. ELA…..your a bitch….if i ever see you face to face again in my life. I WILL smack you and be like “your lucky…thats all im doing to you…” And no i dont hit girl norm. I am against abuse b/c of things that have happened in my life. But ELA….is a cheating bitch….She threw away 6 1/2 months of a relationship away like it was nothing. She cheated on me manny times….she had sex many times….And she finally fucked up worse and gt prego….haha the lil bitch…..sucks for her…..but…she got an abortion….But what ever…Once a cheater. ALWAYS a cheater. SO YUP….here was a random little rant…..i needed to expell some anger and depression i got so…yup. BYE….Txt me those who read this. 207-509-9130

IDK What To Really Name This…

I don’t know whats wrong with my head..i think of things that…a normal person wouldn’t think of…..then again…im not a fraction of the word normal…I always feel like a faluire to my parents…to friends…to everyone….well…..i want to…make a differecne„be the GOOD in someones lives…not the bad….My best friend….she shall remain nameless but..she wrote something a night or two ago…about me…about alot of people but…..the part she wrote about me….it…really touched me….(not in some fucked up perverted way some of you may think xD)  but still…….it made me feel like…ive brought good to SOMEONES life……Even though I can’t be with her…..i wish the best FOR her and this guys she loves. I have….strong feeling for her but….its not ment to be…but in the long run…its better off….but i will always be here for you (you know who u are). No matter what the hell i gotta do to help…ill do it….im here….im your “brother” and…..i care…in many different ways then you under stand. Now thats one part of my rant….i guess haha… the more…Postitive…one? haha but….like…i guess onward with my dumb post…..but…uhh…idk how to say this part out..i cant really…think abotu how to dump my feeling out without it sounding like a suicde letter or like…some…..dumb as post…..but yeah uhm…ill give it a go….but ill start with….my feeling for my father i suppose….meh….uhm…well….i love my dad to heck…he’s an amazing father….he’s…always here for me…….but….i feel like..i fail to him…i….try my best to impress him..i try to get out and work on our trucks or four wheeler ot show him im not a horrible lazy bum….i feel like..im drifting form him and i  stilll got 3 years till im 18..and i love him to death :’( if crying just typing this haha….its….yeah..i love him…and if he ever see’s this or finds my tumblr….either of my parens for that point…i couldnt face them :/ and now…onto my mother….oh god :’(  i love her like heck too…..ive been…such an ass to her over time and…i never appriiciate the small things she does for me…and….it hurts me when i try and she shrugs it off…ik she’s here for me and….ik times are tuff with money…and…if you ever read this mother…or father…im…sorry for all i’ve donw to harm……i have tried my bst to be good….im cryingjust typing this half of my post b/c how bad i feel…….but now…i guess….this is the end of this post….i..dont reallly know what else to type…uhm…I Love you CB (you know who u are) and i love you Mom & Dad :’) <3 always will…..

xViViEnnEx

REGRETS…

:’/ I have so many regrets in my life..i have somethings i wish i could take back„…somethngs i wish i could have stopped and…have kept them going :’(

Feelings…

I dont know anymore…i mean…i try hard…to…be good to everyone around me…why do i….get…shit….why must i get made fun of..called things when…i am trying to help….why must i get hurt….i mean..i only offered my love to you….all my care…..to have it ripped away….Like…idk if i should give this love thing another chance….idk….idc…..I for one…am totally un-religous but….if there….is a god..or..some super natural force out there that…makes out fate…please…..let me find someone..that…i can call that special someone….someone who wont give me killing heart break….someone who wont make me put more scares upon my body…please….give me…or…show me i should say…..show me true love…..give me someone..i can hold and….kiss..and…be close to when i need it…..someone who wont judge me for what i am into and what i like….just…someone who….i can trust…..please… :’/ i mean…it will…stop me from…sitting there….awake in my bed at 12a.m. not able to sleep…..feeling like me and my razor are the only things that exist on this planet :’( It would make me feel wanted…..not feel like…i drive people away….Thats all i wish….Now…i lay here….crying to myself as my friend sleeps typing this……wishing…i could talk about it but…i cant and dont dare to…i dont want to sound….dumb or numb for relying on love :’( but i only ask for 2 life long things…..1:Love 2:For my life to go somewhere……like with my band or…even working in a dang garage working on my favorite things…cars…trucks..anything of the sort… :’( but….idk how much longer i can…handle myself…i keep so much inside…..on the verge of suicide at times…sitting there….a knife to my wrist….wanting to dig it in…deep….. :’( Good-Bye…..For now maybe.